I haven't written anything all summer of substance. I keep getting ideas and starting outlines, but they're not coming to anything. I always feel like I write more and better stuff during the school year. Maybe because I'm under more pressure and I have more time commitments which make me write better. I don't know. But I know that when I sit here and stare at my computer, knowing I have no commitments all day except to feed my grandmother, my mind wanders elsewhere.
I know that I'm only twenty-one, so I shouldn't be expecting brilliance or perfection or even a full book. But I don't think it's possible for an optimist to stop expecting great things, and everybody knows I'm an unrelenting optimist. So maybe my expectations of myself are too big. Maybe I need to work on my editing more. Maybe I need to go to the public library and find a quiet spot in the front more often. I don't know yet.
Part of it is that this summer is much more stressful than previous summers because I'm going to my senior year and applying to grad schools and studying for the GRE. I'm still deciding what I want to do with my life after I graduate. Right now I'm thinking I'll go to an MA program for Library Science and then later go back for my PhD in history if I still want to teach in a few years. Part of it is that my life feels much less together and sorted than it did last year or the year before. Everything kind of feels like it's falling apart right now.
I know I'll do better again, but for right now I know I'm stalled. At least I got through my birthday and I can look forward to my senior year. Any advice?